10 Dec 2013

a farewell, bitter and sweet

(six months ago, a pause for comfort in jardin du luxembourg)

Little one,
a week ago today we had our last breastfeed. Exactly two-months shy of your second birthday. For a while now I've struggled with wanting to wean you and wanting to wait for you to wean me. In the end it was a bit of both, and bittersweet still.

When we began this journey, when you were hours and days and weeks old in my arms I was sobered by how little I knew about this womanly art. I assumed it would be simple to master. It was difficult at first and woefully uncomfortable. But we pushed through, we sought help, we soldiered on, and soon enough it did become straightforward and enjoyable.  I can say my body was a part in not only carrying you in my womb, but growing you on the outside too. I can say I held you to my breast on a crowded moroccan train... in an art gallery in paris... in a snowy forest in germany... in a jet plane flying over the atlantic.... in the house I grew up in... in a forest of gum trees... on a farm... on a sandy beach... on so many long nights and early mornings and middays... and comforted you.

Now before bed you look at me with beautiful green eyes and say "nigh nigh mama". I nuzzle you against my shoulder blade and sing green grow the rushes o'... I lay you down in your own bed awake and yawning. Tucking you in tight I say I love you, good night little Reu. I walk slowly to the door, a tear rolling down my cheek.  I weep a little outside on the grass, at this letting go. I smile too, and whisper, let go and grow...

10 comments:

  1. So precious. And such an interesting variety of places where you have breastfed! Much love in the bitter-sweetness of letting go,

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  2. Your baby is so cute,and you really enjoy your life.

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  3. So incredible that you had that part of your relationship for 2 whole years!! Isn't it the most amazing thing? E and I are still nursing (he'll be 3 next month, can you believe it?) and sometimes it's great, other times it's downright annoying. part of me really looks forward to the end of nursing him, but another part (that might be larger) dreads it. Nursing is such easy comfort for all the ails of a toddler's life and so helpful with bedtime, naptime, etc...I understand the mourn you feel for letting it go, but it'll always be a lovely time in your life with your beautiful rosy-cheeked boy. sending you love from the other side of the earth!

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  4. Beautiful. I too struggled with wanting to wean, and wanting her to wean herself. It happened two months after her second birthday for us. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one, and maybe it will reassure you to know that you aren't too. Thank you for sharing.

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  5. I'm sure you have bonded so beautifully through breastfeeding. No wonder you had a tear. Your baby is growing up. Hugs. xx

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  6. all my love during this time xoxoxoxo
    I cried when each of my 3 weaned
    give yourself lots of love and rest
    this is a new step, a beautiful, but hard step

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  7. I love that tongue expressing joy and deliciousness in the last photos! He he.

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  8. Oh Em, such a beautiful post. Breast feeding is a real skill, so well done to you!! What a wonderful bond you must share and what lovely memories you would have. Yes it is sad to leave that phase but so many more exciting things ahead for you and your lovely family.xxx Tina H

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  9. then there comes the thought, could I do it all over again with a second child who would great company for the first gorgeous one?

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  10. oh my goodness, what a lovely post! I had chills as I finished reading it. Still nursing my 16 month old, and understanding "the art" very well these days, this post resonated with me. What an incredible part of mothering breastfeeding is. Bravo to you Mama!

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