22 Jan 2013

putting on mindfuless

I have really felt myself struggling lately,
and I think its a combination of things -

the heaviness of winter - skies that press down on my senses,
snow, that while beautiful, traps us indoors for long periods,
dark mornings, dark afternoons,

the knowing of what lies ahead - we have less than four months left here in france... and there's work to be done, de-cluttering and packing, travelling and returning, flying around the world home,

and the unknowing of what will come after that, when everything changes, and we piece together normalcy once more...

and I find myself a mixture of anticipation and foreboding,
joy and sadness,
just staring out of the window, staring into nothing,
refreshing my inbox for the twentieth time,
surfing the web for nothing in particular
eating when I'm not hungry, 
creeping inward, 
over analysing,

sometimes I move in flurry,
and other times I feel immobilised,

I want movement,
I want stillness,
I want to be mindful,

but its so hard sometimes
to let myself be contented in now,
present,

to say:
its true I am struggling with uncertainly,
I am lonely for conversation and sunshine,
but I am here, now, and there IS goodness,
there IS blessing,

I have a beautiful child,
I want to be mindful of him.
I have a loving husband,
I want to be mindful of him.
I have a warm house
I want to be mindful of it
I have wholesome food to eat
I want to be mindful of it.
I have a Spirit of grace
I want to be mind of it.
I have a healthy body
I want to be mindful of it.
I have creative hands
I want to be mindful of them.
I have a garden of snow
and I want to be mindfull of it.
I have a constant loving Father
and I want to be mindful of Him.
Especially mindful of Him.
Amen.

12 comments:

  1. Much of the time my boots are so heavy that productiveness never occurs.
    Your words of encouragement are uplifting and refreshing.
    But your words of honesty resonate within, and I find them very encouraging-- so thank you.

    Amelia

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  2. Mhmmm many of those things you talked about I can relate to, especially in the days where I feel a lack of purpose in my life and a loneliness. Too much time spent at home alone can do that.
    When we are struggling with uncertainty, lonely for conversation and sunshine and kinda just drifting through life, we have to remember that there is always joy coming towards us, even if we feel anything BUT a deep sense of satisfaction and joy. As you pointed out, we have so much to be thankful for, even in the so-called mundane times.

    I really, really appreciate your honesty, because then we can all come out and say, yes I feel that too. (even when we are in totally different circumstances)

    I pray inner joy and peace will come your way soon.

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  3. Amen.

    The four months will fly by. Make some more beautiful memories to cherish.

    Hugs from afar. xx

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  4. Maybe there are not always words to say, but rather a silence to sit in together.

    In spirit, to sit and be mindful.

    Xoxo

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  5. I can relate wholeheartedly.
    I've been struggling with the same emotions...and no matter how much I write, walk, breath, read etc. uncertainty always creeps back in.
    you've translated it to the page perfectly, not only for you but for us as well.

    I have a magnificent blog-friend,
    I am mindful of her!

    turn on a lot of lights in the house, crack a window open (ever so slightly) put on some pleasant music, and fix yourself a sunny drink! It helps me get through long-long patched of grey!

    there is a promise of spring and eternal change!
    sending much love to you, dear friend.

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  6. i completely relate. i was so very isolated during the cold winters of the first few years of my son's life. and while family and friends stopped over when they could, i couldn't shake the feeling of wanting company constantly, just for the distraction. i have no solutions, only the advice to get outside, even just for a little bit each day, and to do something new every week, whether it's cooking a new dish or exploring a hole-in-the-wall you've never been to before. <3
    where is "home" for you? where will you be moving?

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  7. Thank you dear Emily for such an honest post. As others have said (how nice to know we're all in it together!), I can absolutely relate. M has regressed with her sleeping, and for the past month has been waking every 2-3 hours with only short day naps... In my exhaustion, my soul feels rather listless at times, and too often I find myself wishing for things to be different, rather than focusing on all the good in the present.
    I hope you find some reprieve soon, be it circumstantial, mental or emotional. Sending warmth your way x

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  8. I can relate to this so well, because I have feeling listless of late too. Sending prayers and good vibes your way. May we both find inner peace. :)

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  9. You are beautiful and I am mindful of that beauty, inside and out. oxoxo

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  10. Oh the dreaded feeling of listlessness! I appreciate your honest and ability to put so beautifully into words what so many are also feeling. You are not alone. I have thoroughly enjoyed living vicariously through your time in France. What amazing adventures you and your sweet family have had. Happy Australia Day to you all x Mim

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  11. I'm sure you know being mindful, being appreciative/content/happy in the now is something I am in constant struggles with. I can't imagine what it must be like for you knowing that soon you'll be making this huge journey, with sweet R in tow, and of course it's causing you some discontent. Throw a dark (if beautiful - it certainly seems charming to me here, in sunny hot tamworth) winter into the mix and I think anyone could understand why you might be feeling like this.
    Anyway, not much to say except I'll be thinking of you and praying for your little family.

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Thank you for reading! I do so love and appreciate every one of your comments even if I don't get a chance to reply.