31 Aug 2012

the strain

Being a mother is hard work.
I wouldn't trade it in for anything,
but there are days,
nights,
moments mostly,
where it faces me head-on
gripping my senses,
tugging my heart -
shouting,
this is not easy.

when I am struggling with anything
I bottle it up inside,
I quiet down
I retreat -

pride is there too,
the need to have it all in control,
to be a perfectly calm, relaxed, free-spirited woman
with a perfectly calm, happy, nourished child,
and a perfectly satisfied, rested, inspired partner

but of course
none of us are perfect -
rather our imperfections shape who we are.

my journey is no longer about how I "do" things,
but more about how I be...
intentional, faithful, gracious -
each day, 
each night,
and the next,

now I am learning to struggle and be honest,
to speak out my needs, even if only to myself
and say, this is okay,
stop counting the hours slept,
let go of unrealistic expectations,
hold fast to the true -

I guess this is part of that,
acknowledging the strain
(you don't see in photographs or poetry or baking)
that comes and goes,

and when it goes,
its nothing short of grace
from a perfect lover, 
a holy father, a beneficent creator
uttered softly,
in the moonlight
as I pace with my child,
barefoot, heavy-lidded
in the night places,
because You have been my help,
in the shadow of your wings I will rejoice,
my soul follows close behind You;
and your right hand upholds me...

6 comments:

  1. You are a special, brave lady, and we pray for the 3 of you every day.

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  2. "just float"

    It takes a village....
    keep pouring it out, we're listening!

    XO

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  3. Oh beauty-ful. Thank you for the honesty. The most precious times in day-to-day life are when we emerge out of a covering of darkness and struggle, in to a more empowered and strengthened relationship with God.
    A daily struggle to be more gracious and peaceful, more jesus-like is our lifelong practice and you just said it so beautifully.
    Hope you have a grace-filled day!

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  4. Emily, this might sound silly, but it's so refreshing to hear about the hard times. I spent so many years working with babies and toddlers and found it at times to be incredibly draining - and that was just 8 hours a day! I salute you and your beautiful heart as you find your way, as you surely are. Thank you for your kind words about my Mum too x x

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  5. I know these challenges and woes, five fold. But none is as hard, or as special as the first. I pray for you there, I wish I could hold him for you for a little while.
    Beautiful post.
    Love to you.
    xx

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  6. Amen and amen. I came across this prayer from a favorite book of mine, The Celtic Wheel of the Year. It says, "Beloved One, let me be aware of you in silence this day. Let me attend to the gift of each part of my body. Let me trust your presence in the nothingness. Let me not be distracted by the clamour of every thought but let my heart be still, my mind unlearned, my face unmasked. Empty me of all I think I can offer. Let me not be afraid of all I know I cannot be. Let me trust that I am enough, that just to be here is enough, just as I am. And to trust that you look on me, my Beloved, with eyes that see and eyes that love. Love."
    Extra-long comment, but I thought of you. You are not alone, dear friend!

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