where love would take me?
to these depths... my life
cowers in shadows
behind my loss.
I cannot fathom
its brightness now.
I know only the wrenching
in my heart;
to let go -
to love in letting go.
I do not know how;
I have never loved
or lost like this.
Thank you for letting me share my feelings in this space. I know it is not nearly as bright as it usually is but I couldn't possibly anticipate the way I've been feeling lately. Still as full of sorrow as I was five days ago. The weight of how much I gave and loved is falling back on me and it is heavy and unbearable at times. Particularly when I am in my bed lying awake at night or waking for the morning. While I had not been happy in my relationship for the last few months I think I was comforted by the security of it all; even in not feeling loved for who I was, I was comforted in being able to give and care for another. I know it is for the better; I know it was the right thing for us to do and things will be brighter and happier for it in the future but I do not feel that yet. It will take a bit of time to heal; to mend; to feel good in myself.
All your kind comments, emails, prayers and hugs have brought relief to my heart. Thank you. I have found myself creating a lot lately; it gets my mind off feeling too much. I hope to share some of the things I've been working on in the next few days.
I have also been finding comfort in the words of others; almost everything in Elizabeth Goudge's anthology "A Book of Comfort", Julian of Norwich's Revelation's of Divine Love, and Tove Jasson's complete Moomin comic strip.
As Hopkins reminds me of wonder in The Windhover:
To Christ our Lord
|I CAUGHT this morning morning’s minion, king-|
|dom of daylight’s dauphin, dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, in his riding|
|Of the rolling level underneath him steady air, and striding|
|High there, how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing|
|In his ecstasy! then off, off forth on swing,||5|
|As a skate’s heel sweeps smooth on a bow-bend: the hurl and gliding|
|Rebuffed the big wind. My heart in hiding|
|Stirred for a bird,—the achieve of; the mastery of the thing!|
|Brute beauty and valour and act, oh, air, pride, plume, here|
|Buckle! AND the fire that breaks from thee then, a billion||10|
|Times told lovelier, more dangerous, O my chevalier!|
|No wonder of it: shéer plód makes plough down sillion|
|Shine, and blue-bleak embers, ah my dear,|
|Fall, gall themselves, and gash gold-vermillion.|
And Moomintroll tells me: "I want to live in peace and plant potatoes and dream"
And as Julian gently reminds me: "And this word that He said an endless comfort: I keep thee securely... And when we fall, hastily He raiseth us by His lovely callings and gracious touching... For it needeth us to fall, and it needeth us to see it. For if we never fell, we should not know how feeble and how wretched we are of our self and also we should not fully know that marvellous love of our Maker... He is with us, and tenderly He exuseth us, and ever shieldeth us from blame in His sight...
But all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well"